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What's Left At the Bottom

Updated: Aug 21, 2021

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There has become this tendency in culture to take a word and then use it so much that it changes it meaning repeatedly. People steal it in an attempt to describe the way that they are feeling. Or to take a word and project this onto others to either invoke a reaction or to feed our own egos and put people in their place. The memes, the passive aggressive ways we unfold ourselves instead of courageously speaking our truths and confronting our own darkness and insecurities. I keep my words well thought out these days. I am getting so good at pausing before speaking. Rewording into my own processes so that I do not say something that can incite a feeling in someone else, or create a space that someone is automatically on the offense. We have become so delicate and so committed to misunderstanding each other. Is it because we are all healing from our own personal stories about ourselves. Are we all unheard or have we all been neglected by everyone on some level that we simply desire attention and to be heard? Are we all just a little addicted to our pain, to our story, to our identity, to our being right. Our fears of losing argument or of losing our own importance. Where does this concern and care come from? Is it the lack of connection to Source? To know on deep levels that we are held and connected. In so many ways this goes back to our lack of spiritualism in our culture. I am finding out stillness is always kind, and you will never win with someone that is committed to misunderstanding you.

Although I have never been a religious person, I cherish the conversations that I have with the world. I ask. I thank. It keeps me in check. What do I need this week? Thank you! CHECK. Oh by the way, THANK YOU. So many of us decide to live in the role of victim which is quite a dismal place of residence. And to ignore all that is around us and offered in every moment. On occasion I find myself in the impossible dance of fixing, pleasing, appeasing, rescuing. Such a struggle to find yourself gravitating back to old patterns, and then thanking your practice for bringing you back. To finally learn that the faster I unthread, the more easeful my hours are. THIS is where my work lies these days. Im allowing the wounds to heal. No thanks to the scar tissue.

We live in a culture that cries so deeply at death that we forget to reach out to each other during LIFE. Painful funerals that you see someone who doesn’t speak to you because they are crying so deeply for someone that they barely spoke to in life. Please do not come to my funeral. There will not be one. Say hello today, now. Give me a smile, an acknowledgement. A sign that you care about me. That you know me. That you have love for me. I love you and I will always let you know it. I promise to be this person. A rugged world will never change my spirit. Gimme some of this back, please. There is no room to mourn death when you have mourned your entire life. Death and life are both a celebration of our moments on the great tapestry. Our truest Mandala.

Time and time again in the last few weeks one phrase has popped into my mind during my meditation. “What’s Left at the Bottom.” Over and over and over again. I kept trying to figure it out. I asked myself why was this phrase creeping into my most intimate times of silence.

Recently I found myself back into an old pattern. People pleasing and fixing. I was quite shocked when this part of my personality had resurfaced because I had found myself keeping it at bay for quite some time. A cloaked lesson came along to remind me that I was still quite capable of acting out patterns that I felt that I had dissolved. In palpable and uncomfortable silence I was once again brought back to my practice. Discovering more and more about what’s left at the bottom. How much more I need to clear. This was not about anyone other than myself. We are all alone in this world in these moments with ourselves, the harshest judge of all. This same flawed monkey mind of mine made it's wounded way to Sobriety. This own tainted and fearful ego also has been with me from the start and made me quite capable of surviving. Why am I always hushing and judging it. It is almost like two oppositions trying to fight the other into submission when the only resolve is stillness. PEACE PEACE PEACE. A smile, non judgement, to simply allow and love every little delicate part of me that fights its way through tough times. To bring myself back to the NOW. I realize that this is a time for great transition in my life. It is time. This is no longer about what is left. I have done my work and will continue to do so. Every single day. This practice can not be lost. It is a part of me. It is everything. To step off into the unknown always and to fly. To know that I will be held. The unquestionable faith. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Courage comes from your SELF. Other people can never make us happy. This is something that we do in these sacred practices. Clear, declutter, reverse the pointed finger at yourself. Not quick glances at yourself. Hard stares. This is where the work is. Not outward. This is the reason that these days I prefer to keep myself in the company of people who are doing work on themselves. I fly softly away from shaming and blaming. Change takes work on yourself or we continually massage old patterns when we should be kissing them goodbye. I thank God everyday for my own struggles. How could I have become so strong in this lifetime if everything had been handed to me. But this doesn’t mean that I have to recall them daily or stay in the past.

How can we rise ourselves out of our own murkiness once again. With the practices. Always. BECAUSE THEY WORK. Raising our own awareness. Staying on the path. Here are some way to heal from what has been drained and emptied. Practices to create strength when feeling delicate, fearful or in question of your own power.

  1. Shine the light immediately on your habits. How many hours are you wasting away being a person that you do not like so much. Are you getting paid for these behaviors? Are these behaviors compensating you? The answer is probably no. Many times we accept and give abuse without anything at all in return. Move away from the wreckage. It is no longer working in your life. Who is your highest self and what do you truly desire? Be that human. The person on deep levels that you know that you are. Know that these habits are only patterns that you have not been ready to let go of. And now just maybe you are ready to.

  2. Realize that your decision has already been thought over and over. Time and time again. Breaking patterns doesn’t have to take years of practice or months of therapy. You can break these patterns now as long as you are walking in the light and continuing on your practice. When I finally was able to give up alcohol, it wasn’t because I never went back to my old patterns. I did, time and time again. But as the light is always more powerful than the darkness. Eventually the light will win. Eventually the light of my Yoga and Meditation and loving myself practices simply dissolved my addiction to alcohol. It took time, but I never got off the path even though there was a couple of detour signs that I stood in front of on occasion. Becoming the person you want to be take practice, time, consistency.

  3. How many hours have you stayed in bad habits. Sleeping in, watching bad television, playing on your phone. Avoidance, blame, shaming, victimizing ourselves. Where could you be if you took all of that time and transformed it through your practice. I am not saying it is easy in the beginning. I am telling you it is damned hard to break those patterns but magically fulfilling with time. The only way to find yourself manifesting is by staying in loving practices that create wellness in your body, mind, and soul. Think in terms of softness, compassion, love, rhythm, movement, flow. Also think of SPACE. How much space can you create by letting go of habits that are such a waste of it. Declutter your days and the world will offer up more love, more space, more sweetness, more opportunities.

  4. New circles and connections. Walk out of your comfort zone. Give your friendships a shuffle. Keep positive friends that uplift you. Lend some space to the ones that you have become codependent with. Or the relationship has become a little stale. I am not saying to throw good friends away, EVER. But sometimes we need to shake things up in our lives. Even friendships need to be checked occasionally, much like romantic relationships. We can take each other for granted. Or rely on each other too much. It is good to take little breaks to miss each other and find a better space for our friendships to thrive. To allow the friendships that you love to work on themselves as well.

  5. Honor your old self. That person got you to here with the tools that they had. I look at my younger self and I feel so much compassion for her. It makes me so sad at how unworthy she felt for so long. I am proud of who she is becoming. I am proud that she found her way out of a beer bottle and into a Yoga class. I love her journey. How could I not love her journey without loving the path that I am on now. There is no room for regrets or shame in your actions. We all are wounded and we all wound. Make your apologies as you need and move on. If someone doesn’t accept, well then that is that. You are doing the best that you can and you should feel proud of yourself for any progress that you are making. Close doors on people that refuse to uplift theirselves. If you get bad vibes or constant discomfort around certain people, learn to move away. Sometimes people get stuck and its hard for them to see people grow. It comes from their own insecurities of losing you. And maybe they will lose you. Or maybe they will start working on their own stuff. But if they don’t, it is never about you. Move on. You are worthy of loving and positive energy around you.

  6. You are a new person in these practices. Yoga, eating plants, movement, creativity, loving yourself, meditation, is all regenerative on a cellular level. So you are now becoming younger and more vibrant. Take care of that precious new Temple you are prancing around in. You have extra time to bring the relationship with yourself into a new dimension. Read the books you want to read. Audible is AMAZING! I was averaging a book every two weeks, now im “listening to” four a month. You can listen to it instead of garbage television. Put it on while you are doing your morning and evening routines. While you are cooking, walking, in the car, during your personal yoga practice. Spend time getting something special for yourself. Learn to make sushi, or take a new class. Have coffee with girlfriends. Begin your poetry book or blog. Paint a picture. Journal. You are entering a new dimension of time and space and it can be quite new and shiny and bright, full of potential. Withdraw yourself from talk that tells you that you will never be the person that you yearn to become. Know it to be true in your heart space.

  7. Plan a trip, not a wild margarita hazed trip on the beach but a silent retreat. A sweet soulful getaway. Eat nutritious meals on your trip. Think lightness and freshness. Take your journal. Stay in a sweet airbnb. Take your beloved fur baby and hike. Skinny dip under a full moon. A trip for the soul, not the kind of trips that make you feel weak, depleted and sad when you return. Think of it as an empowering trip. One that will break your old patterns and begin to show the universe the new you. Show the the world that you are creating space for true transformation. The world loves to see you ready for growth. You may be surprised at what the world begins to give to you now that you are creating the space for it.

I hope that this blog can help you to:

Yield closer to the earth when you yearn for comfort,

Hike through the rain when you seek nourishment,

Dance through the fire when you desire change,

And move like the wind when you are ready to create!

Forever and always close to my heart,

The Divine in me recognizes and bows to the Divine in you,

Tina


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